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Mediating the Divorce That “Can’t Be Mediated”

Too often, stereotypes lag behind the reality. Take for example the idea that everything other than litigation is a “soft option.” These days are long over, with most divorces settling out of court. Particularly when it comes to high conflict situations however, the stereotype gives a false impression of what’s possible. At Boileau Conflict Solutions, we have experience with divorce mediation for a variety of situations including hardball divorce negotiation and negotiation for high conflict situations. Not every divorce can be mediated, but in every divorce, common interests can be found that can propel divorcing partners towards a better future.

Having the Conversation and Deciding What you Want

If you are facing conflict in your divorce or your partner is a high conflict person, you may be understandably concerned about protecting your interests. Visiting a divorce mediator can be a good way to prepare yourself for divorce. Before you say “I can’t mediate”, consider that your divorce mediator is equipped with the skills to evaluate your level of conflict and come up with solutions. If you are prepared to have this initial conversation and be clear and realistic about what you want, possibilities may be apparent that weren’t immediately evident.

Divorce Mediation is Built to Handle Conflict

Divorce mediators use a variety of tools and methods to resolve conflict. At Boileau Conflict Solutions, we are a group of caring, well-educated mediators with backgrounds in mathematics, psychoanalysis and the law. We merge tools designed to handle complex financial and practical matters (such as international parenting plans), with a nuanced approach to the emotional side of divorce. Divorce mediation can help alleviate conflict by doing any or all of the following:

– Focus on interests can calm conflict or bring high conflict people to the table by serving or protecting their interests. Divorce mediation is solution-focused, values contributions and recognizes interests, such as in game theory based conflict resolution strategies. What divorce mediation does not do: provide one-sided representation designed to undermine the other party’s interests.
– Your divorce mediator might actually have negotiation and psychological strategies to deal with a high conflict person that you or an attorney wouldn’t.
– Your divorce mediator may be able to provide a deeper perspective on the conflict between you and your ex-partner. Your divorce mediator will have the tools to identify different types of conflict styles and give you the ability to work with them.
– Litigation may actually add fuel to the high conflict person’s fire
– Parallel parenting is possible when conflict is too high for traditional co-parenting, and may appeal to people’s need for control as it means parents (assuming they are fit parents) can have separate authority over decisions in their child’s life. At Boileau Conflict Solutions we have experience drafting complex parenting plans.
– Work with psychologists, divorce coaches and financial professionals to provide a safe route through your divorce.

The bottom line is that divorce mediation can always be an option, even when conflict is high. However you should always make a decision that you are comfortable with, and meeting with a divorce mediator (if this is possible for you and your divorcing partner), may at least give you a clear idea of the path ahead. At Boileau Conflict Solutions we are available 7 days a week and in crisis situations. Contact us via telephone, Skype or Zoom, or visit us at our offices in Boulder, CO, Campbell, CA or Irvine, CA to see how we can help.

http://www.divorcemag.com/blog/parallel-parenting-co-parenting-not-possible

https://www.mediate.com/articles/GaughanL7.cfm

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/trying-to-help-people-help-themselves_us_59849218e4b00833d1de2771

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