Disclaimer: This article does not constitute legal advice. If you have any questions about your individual situation it is best to seek the advice of an experienced legal professional.
Take one look at the tabloids and you’ll get a sense of the appetite for other people’s conflict and despair. The supposed Jen/Brad/Angelina love triangle sold tabloid magazines years and years after Brad and Jen were no longer an item. Naturally, in tabloid mythology, the conflict revolved around bitter rivalry between the two women. The so-called rivalry between the two women was placed above any compromise Brad and Jen could have carved out as respectful exes. This recent Glamour Story made some excellent points about the effect that extreme tabloid representations of infidelity has on kids. The article pointed out what a powerful effect infidelity in the media can have on how kids dramatize their parents’ divorce and future relationships. In 2019 the media are making of much of Jeff Bezos’s apparent infidelity in the lead up to divorce. The Bezos’s amicable divorce announcement wasn’t enough for the media to leave this prospect alone. All this goes to show that divorcing parents need to work hard to ensure their kids survive damaging, sexist stereotypes – even if there isn’t someone else involved in the divorce and parents are simply introducing new partners.
Of course people can behave very badly in divorce, and infidelity can be a factor. Most of the time however the infidelity isn’t the cause, but the symptom of issues in a marriage. Whether it’s a lack of fulfillment, or inability to be honest about wants and needs, or partners with compulsive issues, “the other person” is rarely a predator stealing one partner away. When you choose to litigate your divorce, infidelity can be just one more piece of ammunition against your ex. It’s not often picked out as a factor in divorce settlements, but can be used to prove one partner is less fit to have custody of children, which can lead to ugly battles. On the other hand if you decide to mediate your divorce, you create a forum to work out issues such as infidelity and present a united front to your children. Studies show that conflict harms children much more than divorce itself. Depending on the age of your kids, you may need a little help in communicating emotionally complex issues such as infidelity to kids. At Boileau Conflict Solutions, we consider the child’s developmental needs as well as other factors in divorce. We combine financial, legal and psychoanalytical knowhow that drives a nuanced, multi-level approach. This approach considers all issues, and will never sweep infidelity under the carpet if it’s relevant to a couple’s divorce and their children’s wellbeing.
Infidelity Doesn’t Have to be a “Home Wrecker”
Maybe the infidelity in your divorce has become “the thing you don’t talk about”, either that or the last straw, and the reason for your conflict. Either way it’s usually better to decide on a strategy for dealing with it, especially if you have kids. Mediation can help you do this.
- In mediation, your divorce belongs to both of you. Rather than let infidelity rule your interactions with your kids you can choose how to introduce kids to difficult topics and give them the sense that the adults in their lives are coping.
- Whether you say anything or not, your kids are picking up messages from the atmosphere. Children are vulnerable to a battery of unconscious cues from the media, society, the playground and you. At BCS we can help you manage your unconscious attitudes to infidelity around your kids.
- If infidelity has also involved financial irresponsibility or irresponsibility towards your children’s safety and wellbeing, mediation makes you free to lay ground rules and put up boundaries regarding your spouse’s care of your kids and new partners’ involvement in their lives.
Who We Are and How We Can Help
We are caring, well-educated mediators who are skilled in applied financial mathematics, the law psychoanalysis, and game theory. We strive to efficiently comprehend your situation and its opportunities for sustainable and agreeable resolution. We can either confidentially present you with a private analysis, or mediate the conflict with both of you until resolved. Any resolution you come to will be informed by a deeper analysis of the conflict that can be psychoanalytic and/or more financially-focused. Conflict analysis can result in a more optimized understanding of the net community property, which adds value to the overall estate, benefiting you both. The sooner you can resolve your conflict, the sooner you can begin to craft a sustainable future for you and your children. Our high-level divorce mediation services are tailored to the needs of people with complex lives or divorces that may be difficult or protracted. We can intervene to break litigation deadlocks when divorces are already underway. We work with individuals from several cultures and countries, and can help with national or international relocation issues. You can visit us at our offices in Campbell, CA, Irvine, CA and San, CA. We can also be reached by Telephone, Zoom or Facetime. We are available 7 days a week and at urgent notice. Please contact us to see how we can help.