Ever had the feeling that it’s difficult to put your finger on what’s wrong with your marriage? You may be working through your conflicts, but somehow resolutions feel unsatisfying. According to new research there may be a reason that operates at deeper levels than just being “nasty or nice” to your partner.

University of California Berkley researchers concluded on the back of seven studies that couples who felt the power of “perceived understanding” from their partner were more likely to recover from conflict and conflict was even beneficial to their relationship. The partner didn’t have to agree with them, but they did have to demonstrate respect and understanding for their point of view.

Unfortunately, this perceived understanding comes less naturally when couples are locked in entrenched positions of conflict. The longer conflict goes unchecked, the more couples will only see their own position and lose sight of their partner or their partner’s perspective. Sometimes conflicts can be of a broad emotional nature, and sometimes more rooted in differences on how to manage finances, kids or other aspects of married life.

You can seek out counseling which may help to uncover your reasons for conflict, but you may also need to learn how to manage conflict and negotiate more fairly. Marital mediation is the right choice when you want to be proactive about reaching out to your partner or coming to a resolution on a specific issue. At Boileau Conflict Solutions we go beyond peacemaking to attack the deeper roots of conflict. It isn’t enough to resolve a dispute without gaining insights about how your couple dynamics operate. To this end we apply psychoanalytical and even mathematical tools (communication theory, game theory, for example), to examine the structure of the dynamics in a relationship. In a marriage people often play tired roles that keep them stuck in positions of conflict. If you can move out of these entrenched positions you can “dance” with your partner and feel part of a unit again. Even more importantly, conflict resolution is not a “machine” couples go through to experience peace. In marital mediation we aim to teach couples new skills of relating such as active listening and re-framing what the partner has said to convey understanding. With these tools you can engage with your partner in a way that is more meaningful rather than just playing by rules or being nice.

In our mediation sessions, we strive to efficiently comprehend your situation and its opportunities for sustainable and agreeable resolution. For divorcing couples, this may include a review of your parenting plan, spousal support calculations, community property equalization, settlement agreement, and all other aspects of your case. Couples in marriages may want to review their finances and future goals. We can either confidentially present you with a private analysis, or mediate the conflict with both of you until resolved. Any resolution you come to will be informed by a deeper analysis of the conflict. Marital mediation helps resolve conflicts over a variety of issues from parenting, sexuality, finances, careers, family, spirituality, and more. Marital mediation is goal oriented, time limited, and practical, and often results in clearly written agreements that are private, but can also be drafted as postnuptial agreements with legal significance if needed. Our high-level mediation services are tailored to the needs of people with complex lives. Hence we often work with individuals from several cultures and countries, and can help with national and international relocation issues. You can visit us at our offices in Boulder, CO, Campbell, CA, Irvine, CA and Beverly Hills, CA. We can also be reached by Telephone, Zoom or Facetime. We are available 7 days a week and at urgent notice. Please contact us to see how we can help.

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